While watching Hot Wheel: Battle Force Five, I knew I was in for a treat as soon as the first line of dialogue was spoken: “These are some hot wheels!”

I’ve seen plenty of shows that were merely, ahem, vehicles for a toy line, so it comes as no surprise that the product name will be mentioned often, but Battle Force 5 may hold the record for quickest and most blatant brand whoring.

Not that I watched the show for the diecast cars it was based on. I tuned in because the commercials showed a buff tiger guy as the villain, and I was hoping he’d be in the first episode. And on that note, I was not disappointed.

Unlike the many popular anime series that all cartoons seem to be ripping off these days, American animation doesn’t waste a lot of time with character development, and backstories. Whereas in Voltron it took multiple episodes for the team to even assemble in the titular fighting robot, Battle Force Five gets the whole thing rolling in 20 minutes.

Before the episode is halfway done, the show introduces not one, but two different villainous races, who not only want to take over something or other, but also want to destroy each other, and the rag tag batch of incredibly diverse, good looking, athletic, and smart teens that stand in their way.

One of the evil races is a group of mean robots, which is boring and cliché, so I’m skipping them.

The aforementioned tiger is Captain Kallus of the Vandals. Yes, his name is “callous”, and the race is named Vandals. I think the robot villain is Commander Douchebag of the Assholes, but I can’t remember.

Kallus’ lackeys are a shark and an alligator, whom I assume were chosen simply because Mattel has a backstock of those shark and alligator shaped cars that nobody buys because they’re ugly and suck at the loops. The entire plot seems based around the teenagers protecting a dimension called the Battle Zone from these warring races. Nobody asks why the aliens that created the dimension named it the god damn Battle Zone if they didn’t want people fucking battling there.

As far as kids shows go, there is plenty of car-based action. The vehicles sprout guns and chainsaws and can make sweet jumps. The characters are one dimensional, but the dialogue is “hip” or something, and the show doesn’t seem to take itself seriously.

The cel-shaded design makes for somewhat interesting visuals, but unfortunately most of you will probably find the character designs pretty ugly. Captain Callous isn’t terrible though, and I’m sure there’s some fanart out there already. If the potential for potential more buff animals is enough for you to sit through 22 minutes of driving scenes interspersed with an attempt at a plot that makes no sense, then go for it. I think I’m done after this two episode premiere.

The show enters its official timeslot on September 5th, and airs Saturdays at 9:30 a.m. on Cartoon Network.