Yeah, I went to see New Moon. It’s a pretty huge film based on a wildly successful book franchise. Like her or not, Stephenie Meyer has created a series that resonates with millions of people. Also, it has fucking werewolves. Also, it’s a piece of shit.

New Moon is a special kind of terrible film that bounces around between laughably bad, roll-your-eyes bad, and kill yourself bad. At it’s best (and by best I mean absolute worst) you get the directly translated book scenes, where hunky werewolf Jacob, played by the jailbait Taylor Lautner will utter a line like “Don’t worry, it’s just blood” with total nonchalance, then take off his shirt to show off his glistening, statutory abs.

It’s really a shame that they signed the main characters on for four film deals, since replacing Kristen Stewart would improve the film dramatically. Literally every other actress on screen, including the ones playing her bit part high school friends, act circles around her. Honestly though, she is portraying Bella Swan pretty faithfully since Meyer wrote her as a whining, selfish, obsessive nut job who, despite making emo kids look like disciples of The Secret, has every boy in the entire goddamn town lusting after her. Robert Pattinson is barely in the film, and any time that he is he sucks the life out of the scene (get it, cause he’s a vampire?!).

I was going to criticize the plot, but it’s really hard because there actually isn’t one. The whole film is one giant cock tease from start to finish. It builds and builds, characters on both sides staring each other down, snarling, leaping at each other’s throats, and then… nothing. The film just peters out, with all the characters in the exact same spot they were before. Everything that happens is just character development where the characters don’t actually develop. It could have been a cool film about Jacob, but no, this has to be Bella’s mopey let’s-take-another-sad-walk-in-the-woods adventure.

Those wolves are huge though. Holy fuck are they big. The CGI looks a little goofy in parts, and the transformations are disappointingly instantaneous, but most of the time they’re pretty awesome. And this is before any of them get creepy with that “imprinting” shit that happens in the next two books.

If you’re not a young girl with questionable taste in men and books, or a huge furfag, you really have no reason to see New Moon. But if you are reading this review I have to assume you’re one of those, so, yeah, there are big fucking wolves in this y’all.