2012
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Written by Harald Kloser and Roland Emmerich
Starring John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor

Even if his reputation didn’t precede him, or you didn’t get an inkling from the insane advertising blitz for the movie, you know what you’re in for with 2012 about ten minutes in. A fresh-faced scientist named Adrian Helmsley (Ejiofor) is discussing a disturbing development with an Indian colleague, one that means nothing less than the end of the world as we know it. There are these tiny, elementary particles called neutrinos, you see, that bombard the planet all the time, every day. The human body is hit with 50 trillion of them from sunup to sundown. They’re part of the solar package, along with life-giving warmth and light. Yet those harmless little neutrinos are going to be the death of us all! Why, do you ask?

“The neutrinos are mutating,” says the Indian scientist. “And as a result they’re microwaving the planet from the inside.”

Two things immediately came to mind as soon as I heard this line. One, how do neutrinos pass through us and the earth’s crust without microwaving us like giant, fleshy/dirty bags of popcorn, too? And two, maybe we’re not talking about neutrinos, but *Neutrinos*, and I’m really watching a live-action remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Because seriously, that would be awesome.

Alas, there was no such luck! Instead, we get another two hours and change of spectacular special effects, even more spectacular junk science, and billions upon billions of people dying — panicked, or nobly meeting their fate, or simply as debris in the background, indistinguishable from the hundreds of other bits of glass and steel collapsing in such a grand scale. In between the apocalyptic set pieces, characters muse about their lives or say goodbyes or frantically race to a succession of safe places before they too are blown up or deluged. It all aims for a kind of gravity so shallow it could only be the designs of a summer blockbuster; like the actors, this movie feels curiously out of place.

Remember when John Cusack was in good movies, like High Fidelity and Say Anything? And poor Chiwetel Ejiofor, who’s gone from instant classics like Serenity and Children of Men to this. Even John Billingsley (Star Trek: Enterprise, The Nine, True Blood) cashes in some of his geek cred here, forced to say lines like “Here we are, with all of our crazy machines, and we couldn’t see what the Mayans could thousands of years ago.” You’re torn between laughing at the horrible dialogue, and feeling genuinely sorry for all of the quality actors who got suckered into trying to sell it.

But Shakespearean wit is not the reason we see this kind of movie — spectacle fills that purpose. And to be fair, 2012 delivers the goods here. The 10.8 earthquake (yes, that’s right — Emmerich won’t be outdone by some mere TV movie) that destroys Los Angeles is genuinely impressive, even if it’s ludicrous that John Cusack can outdrive the very ground under his wheels crumbling into the ocean. So is the Yellowstone supervolcano, which apocalypto-naut Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson, who’s the only guy obviously having fun) dutifully covers for his fellow survivalist, right to the fiery end. Heck, even the tidal waves are pretty neat, even if tsunamis aren’t nearly as impressive as explosions as a general rule.

Between the apocalyptic set pieces, the ham-fisted dialogue, noble deaths of secondary characters, and scene after scene of parents and children saying goodbye to one another are enough to keep us at least mildly engaged, if not always entertained. There’s a recurring theme here, of the older generations making peace with their situation, getting their affairs in order as much as they can, and then stoically looking at the oncoming destruction with the awe and wonder in which we all face our death. Some folks actually manage to make these affecting scenes. Others, and I’m calling you out here President Danny Glover, simply look overwhelmed by all the effects.

There are worse ways to spend two hours and some change than 2012, but there are also much better, more realistic (and even more fun) ways to look at the apocalypse. If you’re looking for a funny world’s end, I’d recommend Zombieland. If you’re looking for something that actually might hit the gravity 2012 aims for, you might want to wait for The Road. Hell, if you’re looking for something as cartoonish and ‘dark’ as this movie, you’d be better served by 9. If you’re looking for the perfect storm of top-notch special effects, a threadbare plot, and big name actors with little to do beyond reacting to a greenscreen — basically any old summer blockbuster — than this is the movie for you!