This is sort of my release of negative energy so I can go into the new year with a positive attitude. Bear with me, it’s for the good of humanity.

But let’s start with some positive notes, shall we?

2009 was actually a pretty good year for music, at least pop music. Love it or hate it, there some amazingly fun songs this year. Lady Gaga went from nobody to somebody my mom called “weird” and “gross” then “funny” and “cute” in the same breath. For some reason 2009 was the year of songs about bad shit happening on the dance floor. Whether people were too drunk to think, shorties were on fire, or people were urged to evacuate because the music had turned into a virus that was killing you. But it was also the place you heard your favorite song from a musician you’ve never listened to and decided not to fly back home to Tennessee.

This was also the year of mashups. Now mashups have been around for a while, but they really got a lot of publicity thanks to reality TV, and shows like Glee. Speaking of mashups, check this shit out. It’s an amazing mashup of the top songs of 2009:

Speaking of Glee they actually had great mashups, so great in fact that one of their songs is featured on the Best of Bootie 2009 CD. You need to go download that free album, by the way, it’ll blow your mind.

But not all the music was good. And that brings me to the whole reason I wrote this blog: so I could lambast one particular musician.

Owl City
Fuck you, dude.

I swear to god, Adam Young is trying to Talented-Mr-Ripley himself into the role of The Postal Service. He even has an anthem for Seattle, Washington on his overproduced album, Ocean Eyes. You’re from Minne-fucking-sota, Adam. You know who’s from the Seattle area? Ben Gibbard of The Postal Service! Love your own goddamn hometown, douche.

Joking aside, there are obvious and legitimate comparisons to the two bands, except that Owl City is insipid. His lyrics are cliché, contradictory, and oftentimes just plain stupid. Bright Eyes started by making shitty music in his mom’s basement too, but he had the decency to not release the stuff as his opus.

Another bad thing about 2009: people kept dying. It wasn’t that more people died than in 2008, but it was more people that are in the spotlight, so people who didn’t know them at all were really torn up. You know who didn’t die this year? My grandparents, and the doctors said they were supposed to. So fuck Michael Jackson. But this is not about MJ. He got way too much spotlight. And since I am emotionally broken, I can’t honor fallen celebrities like a normal person. So that brings us to:

Top 10 Dead Celebrities Who Aren’t Michael Jackson (And Some Mean Jokes About Them)

Brittany Murphy – I’ll always remember Brittany Murphy for her first scene in her breakout film, Clueless and her line that would serve as the motif of her career: “No shit, you guys got coke here?!”

David Carradine – Kill Bill probably would have been a much shorter movie if Uma Thurman just mailed him an extension cord and a bottle of lube.

Natasha Richardson – I hear Liam Neeson’s next film is an action thriller where he goes to a ski resort and beats the shit out of every tree on the mountain.

Billy Mays – Autopsy reports show Mays had cocaine in his system. That pretty much explains everything about him.

John Hughes – I thought he died in the late ’80s. Oh wait that was his career.

Ricardo Montalban – If you’re old you remember him as that dude from Fantasy Island or Captain Kirk’s arch-nemesis, Khan. If you’re a furry you probably know him as the voice of that lion in the Taco Bell commercials. “Carrrrrne!”

Ed McMahon – For someone who had his own brand of Vodka named after himself, it’s amazing he lived to be 86!

Patrick Swayze – I can’t decide if I want to make a Ghost joke or a Road House joke. But whether in film or real life, Swayze was always most memorable when he was dying.

Farrah Fawcett – Forever to be remembered as “that lady who died on the same day as Michael Jackson.”

Other things that are worthy of disdain:

Hey SEGA! You’ve killed my boner for Sonic the Hedgehog more than any bad gay fanart ever could.

Hey Glenn Beck! I firmly believe that you don’t believe half the shit you say, and that makes you twice as despicable.

Hey Dan Brown! I’m reading a furry book that is way better than anything you’ve ever written.

Ok, I think I’m good now. Bring it on, 2010!