I know a lot of Bronies, and I don’t know how. But as any good journalist who has long since given up and just occasionally updates a blog, I decided to sleuth it out. I talked to Bronies who run podcasts, Bronies who draw art, Bronies with boyfriends, and even Bronies who have girlfriends. The whole time I compiled theories on what the cause of all this was. How do you explain the Bronies? I’m not sure you can. But I’m going to try, and as always I’ll do it as tactfully as I can.

There Goes the Neigh-borhood
It’s a little known fact and widely known conspiracy theory that we are being fed subliminal messages through our televisions. While some believe we’re being ordered to kill government officials, most think (and have shown in some cases), that we’re simply being told to buy more stuff. Why have one commercial when you can have two? So you have My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, a show that on the surface is aimed at young girls. But underneath the giggles and the slapstick is a feed, designed to draw in an older demographic. After all, it’s beneficial to get parents into the show, so that they’ll buy more merchandise. Only something went wrong, and instead of triggering a response in parents, it mostly attracts single males in their 20s (and gay men in their 30s to 40s). It explains why nobody can pinpoint what they like about the show. It explains why those who just watch it on YouTube are less affected. It even explains why Hasbro has such shitty My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic merchandise. Who needs quality when you’re compelled to swarm a Toys R Us in a 20 person pack and buy everything you see?

Foals, Fillies, and Cults
There’s a large sense of conversion among Bronies, that some say borders on cultish behavior. Those people are stupid, but there is something there with the Bronies. It’s possibly that being a Brony is actually a form of cult, one that you have to join and rank up in to fully understand, much like Scientology. The reason so many Bronies can’t tell you why they love the show so much is because they’re not authorized to explain to non-believers the secret messages of My Little Pony. The Bronies aren’t trying to bring you into the fold (herd?) because “friendship is magic”, they’re trying to get you to watch because recruiting new Bronies is the only way for them to rank up and get closer to the Divine, whom I assume is the spirit incarnation of Rainbow Dash.

My Little Dalai Lama
The Internet has made our generation a bunch of assholes. We no longer have the ability to enjoy anything unless we’re tearing it down, and even then we don’t take any joy out if it. So perhaps Bronies, these Bohemians of the Internet, have finally figured out how to genuinely like something, without irony or sarcasm. How the hell did they manage that? Did they just, as a group, decide to like it. You know like how your mom used to always say “Choose to be happy” when you were crying at Disneyland? Only this time it worked and now they just unabashedly like something! If this is true, then Bronies are closer to enlightenment than any of the rest of us. Which kind of makes you want to hate them even more, right?

This Shit Don’t Make No Horse Sense, But That’s OK
Or maybe it’s just one of the many slightly odd but interesting things people do that make them, well, interesting. We like to poke fun at the Bronies, but are they any weirder than groups of men who like to swim in frigid waters? Or convention attendees that create elaborate steampunk cosplay? Or the middle aged women who follow Weird Al Yankovic on his concert tours (hi mom)? No. Granted, I make fun of all those people, too, but they’re cool in my book. And really so are the Bronies. The show is solid, and even if it’s not your thing there’s definitely an appeal in some quality SatAm cartoons. Just go for it, Bronies, who gives a shit why they do what they do? It’s not like they’re getting off on all this.

Wait, I just searched My Little Pony on FurAffinity. Rule 34 Vore. Really, guys?!

Marmaduke

Directed by: Tom Dey
Written by: Tim Rasmussen and Vince Di Meglio
Poster designed by: The Cimarron Group

Malin: The Marmaduke poster is to cinema what the Spinal Tap Smell the Glove original cover was to music, without the benefit of being intended to be ironically funny.






Furry Vengeance

Directed by: Roger Kumble
Written by: Michael Carnes and Josh Gilbert
Poster designed by: BLT & Associates

Lovejoy: The Furry Vengeance poster invokes the memory of classic slapstick heist comedies, with the pain of seeing a sickly, disgusting animal that needs to be put out of its misery. Also all the animals around the aforementioned Brendan Fraser are ugly looking too.

Shrek Forever After

Directed by: Mike Mitchell
Written by: Josh Klausner and Darren Lemke
Poster designed by: BLT & Associates

Corvi: When did this movie get changed to Shrek: The Final Chapter 3D? I only recognize one character on this poster. Who the fuck are these people?

The Karate Kid

Directed by: Harald Zwart
Written by: Christopher Murphey
Poster designed by: Vox and Associates

Jakebe: I just can’t buy the idea of a black kid getting the snot beaten out of him and learning Kung Fu to get revenge. If this had been made twenty years ago, Jaden Smith would have just shot them.

Join us next week, when we review that documentary about those babies by going to Wal-Mart and listening to actual babies cry.

Every week there is at least one furry related joke in his shows. We’re not even exaggerating.

We know not everybody watches his shows, so check out this video we whipped up. These are clips from this season alone, and it’s not even everything.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Maybe it’s a coincidence (talking animals are funny, especially when they fuck), or maybe MacFarlane knows how to target his jokes. Either way, Sunday night has more animal sex than a zeta at an FFA meet.

Ok fine and one with a talking bear that shows his cock. Happy?

Battlestar Galactica
Syfy

Jakebe says: Ronald Moore and company couldn’t stick the landing creatively, but the series finale did still provide some wonderful character moments — Roslyn and Adama’s final farewell, Sharon’s redemptive act, and Tory (finally!) paying for Callie’s murder. And even still, a less than perfect sendoff doesn’t diminish the show’s success in the slightest; it’s still the one of the finest sci-fi epics ever to grace the airwaves. So say we all!

Lost
ABC

Jakebe says: The fifth season of Cuse and Lindelof’s perpetual mind-fuck of a show blew me away almost every single episode. Sayid shooting baby Ben! Sawyer stepping up to lead the Losties! Faraday’s mom! UnLocke! We finally started seeing some payoff that — somehow — only made me more confused. And the finale, in which Juliet is literally ripped away from Sawyer and detonated a hydrogen bomb by smashing it with a fucking rock, left us reeling and breathless and anxiously awaiting the sixth and final season, where literally anything can happen.

Survivor
CBS

Lovejoy says: Holy shit did you see Survivor this season?! Scoff about reality TV all you want, but in all the 19 seasons of the show there has never been a season this exciting. Not one, but two, game ending injuries. An incredible underdog story. And the craftiest, and smartest, player the game has ever seen. It’s no wonder the next season is changing the game significantly, you can’t do Survivor the same old way anymore.

Supernatural
CW

Jakebe says: Don’t be soured by the small but rabid fanbase. Supernatural has quietly become one of the best genre shows on television right now. The writing and characterization are consistently superb, and this season — the last of the show’s planned five-year arc — finds the Winchester brothers struggling to stop an apocalypse they inadvertently started. Kripke and crew even use their teen-girl-bait reputation for some inspired plothooks. From chicken-shit prophets of the Lord to the most assinine angels you’ve ever seen, Armageddon’s never been so fun.

True Blood
HBO

Jakebe says: I don’t know why this isn’t getting more love in the fandom, because this hot-mess of a supernatural Southern gothic tale went from guilty pleasure to bonafide delight in its second season. Maryann (Michelle Forbes) was the most divalicious Big Bad since Glorificus, and Jason Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten) elevated himself from endearingly stupid sexpot to still-stupid-yet-awesome leader wannabe. The third season looks to really let the fur fly, with shapeshifter Sam on the road to find his parents and the addition of Alcide, a werewolf and (yet another) love interest for popular prude Sookie Stackhouse.

Glee
Fox

Lovejoy says: Glee had a few ups and downs in its first season. The show would fluctuate between brilliantly mean spirited comedy, to sappy and emotional after school specials. But even at its worst the show was still entertaining, and the musical performances were, for the most part, pretty great. Broadway stars Lea Michele and Cory Monteith definitely carry the show, but Jane Lynch’s evil Sue Sylvester is one of my favorite villains of all time.

V
ABC

Jakebe says: After Elizabeth Mitchell’s crazy-good performance as karmic-whipping-girl Juliet Burke on Lost, I’d watch her doing just about anything. Throw in Morena Baccarin as Queen-V Anna and you’ve got all the makings of another sci-fi parade of awesome. The four episodes we were teased with in November left us hanging just as things were coming together, and we hope people won’t have forgotten about the promise of this show when it returns in March next year.

Community
NBC

Lovejoy says: It took a few episodes for Community to get good, but when it did it got awesome. The show can’t seem to decide if it’s an ensemble comedy, or a story about Joel Mchale’s douchebag lawyer with a heart. The chemistry between the characters is amazing and their eccentricities have made me bust up laughing more than once.

The Venture Brothers
Cartoon Network

Jakebe says: Another gem of a show that doesn’t seem to be getting the attention it deserves, Doc Hammer’s send-up of those 60s boy-adventurer cartoons grows more assured every season. The season premiere alone earns it a place on this list, but the ability of the writers to find new depths in their satire of their source material — as well as incredible plots that makes their world stand well on its own — really carries it over the top. Plus, Hank and Dean’s progression from indistinguishable dweebs to father-hating slacker and mad-scientist-in-training, respectively, is a singular surprise and joy to watch

The Cleveland Show
Fox

Jakebe says: If an episode of American Dad last year is any indication, Seth McFarlane is painfully aware of furries, and he’s looking to make us as uncomfortable as possible by giving us exactly what we want. “Highlights” of The Cleveland Show include Tim the Bear showing his dick for steak, Tim and his wife Arianna making gooey ursine love in the Lincoln Memorial, and a crazed reindeer butt-raping Santa. But beyond that, Cleveland is actually a surprisingly sweet family comedy that combines the raunch you expect from McFarlane with a keen fondness for the traditions of the genre. It’s found its legs a lot quicker than American Dad did, that’s for sure.

Family Guy
Fox

Jakebe says: Exhibit B in my “McFarlane Loves/Hates Furries” argument: the season premiere, where Stewie and Brian travel to a world where anthropomorphic dogs keep humans on leashes, and a sight gag in a later episode which featured bipedal horses with short shorts and noticeable crotch bulges. This season’s also been notable for entire episodes devoted to minor characters Evil Monkey and (my personal favorite) Consuela, the Mexican maid. And Quagmire’s relentless verbal bitch-slapping of Brian is as shocking as it is awesome.

FlashForward
ABC

Jakebe says: From the hiring of Dominic Monaghan and Sonya Walger to random kangaroo appearance to an actual Oceanic Airlines poster in the background, this show is quite shameless in its ambition to become the next Lost. While it isn’t quite there yet, it is surprisingly entertaining. Each episode deepens the mystery for us bit by bit, tweaking the rules of the universe it’s created for itself and keeping us guessing right up to the very end. The fall finale, which saw Agent Mark Benford fired from the FBI and mysterious mad scientist Lloyd Simcoe abducted by an even more mysterious organization, kept us hooked for its return next year.

Fringe
Fox

Jakebe says: Fox looks determined to kill off all traces of sci-fi from its schedule; it doomed Dollhouse with a no-win timeslot and it’s stuck Fringe into 9 p.m. Thursdays, where it has to do battle with Grey’s Anatomy, CSI:, The Office and 30 Rock. That’s a shame too, because this nifty update of The X-Files has really hit its stride in the second season, balancing twisty mythology with great episodic storytelling and well-fleshed characters. Anna Torv is finally warming up as FBI agent Olivia Dunham and John Noble never disappoints as clueless, conscience-less mad scientist Walter Bishop.

We had a few more shows to talk about. Malin was quite fond of 30 Rock, but then Lovejoy accidentally deleted his entries like the dumbass weasel he is. But know that 30 Rock and The Office are still awesome, as are plenty of other shows we haven’t gotten the chance to fully watch.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Director: Wes Anderson

Jakebe says: Hands down the best furry movie of the year (and this was a pretty good year for us). Quirky and whimsical enough to engage children, this movie still had an undeniably mature sensibility. It’s one of those rare movies that you can grow up with; it becomes a slightly different movie every time you see it. Fortunately for us, George Clooney as a self-possessed trickster is pretty damned hot in all of them.

Up
Directors: Pete Doctor and Bob Peterson

Jakebe says: Pixar’s latest is notable for a whole host of reasons — it’s the highest grossing 3D movie of all time, if you had a heart at all, you cried in the first fifteen minutes (before our protagonist even said a word) and it gave us Dug, one adorable talking dog. Still, the story is what resonates most; the old crotchety man setting out on one last adventure to fulfill his wife’s lifelong dream and finding himself, his life and a dysfunctional family in the process. Way to go Pixar — you’ve proven for another year that you can do no wrong.

The Hangover
Director: Todd Phillips

Malin says: How hard is it to reinvent the stupid buddy comedy? It’s a tried and true formula, but “The Hangover” takes it to another level, giving us stupid buddies we care about, a mystery with delightful and sometimes side-splitting surprises at every turn, and heartfelt acting performances. To make Vegas more surreal and funny than it already is hasn’t been done this well since “Swingers.”

The Princess and the Frog
Directors: Ron Clements and John Musker

Jakebe says: Disney’s triumphant return to traditional animation was everything it needed to be — a crowd-pleasing musical in the finest Disney tradition, a bold, surprising movie that proved the company could do something modern, and a love letter to the spirit and character of New Orleans. It’s most stunning achievement, however, is Louis, who might finally dispel the memory of that horrible big-lipped alligator in All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Where the Wild Things Are
Director: Spike Jonze

Jakebe says: It’s hard to deny the craftsmanship in the look (a trippy and effective combination of puppety and CG) or the story (a deft, mature meditation of the complex emotional landscape of childhood), but this Spike Jonze adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s beloved children’s classic was a little inert for me. Fascinating as an intellectual exercise, I can’t say it worked as entertainment — it was more whimpering than wild. Still, this scored deeply with quite a lot of you, and who wouldn’t want to romp around in the woods with a bunch of giant monsters?

Sherlock Holmes
Director: Guy Ritchie

Lovejoy says: I was pleasantly surprised with how enjoyable Sherlock Holmes was. I love Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s detective, and while the film’s plot wasn’t a stellar mystery, it was entertaining and had a lot of the twists and set ups that Doyle uses in his novels. Just as important, Robert Downey Jr is amazing and embodied Holmes with the wit and narcissism I love him for. He carries the film, though he is supported by the charming likes of Jude Law.

Coraline
Director: Henry Selick

Jakebe says: This charming stop-motion animation is being ignored in a lot of year-end lists, and that’s a shame. It’s another movie that immerses you in its very unique world, and the story — adapted from the master of modern fantasy, Neil Gaiman — is a wonderful coming-of-age fable that has something for kids and adult alike. And, in a completely overlooked performance, Keith David totally rocks it as The Cat.

Watchmen
Director: Zack Snyder

Jakebe says: Despite the tweaks to this highly-anticipated adaptation, it was quite possibly the most faithful reworking you could get of Alan Moore’s complicated 1987 graphic novel. The action and effects were top-notch, but so were the story and acting — Watchmen is quite possibly the only movie that we wish Moore had given his blessing to. But hey, we understand; it’s an outrage to see Dr. Manhattan’s giant, blue, glowing penis to be treated so casually.

Up in the Air
Director: Jason Reitman

Malin says: Up In The Air is a film that really shines. It’s a tight, enjoyable movie, wonderfully acted and directed, with a story that is perfectly suited to our times and a message that resonates long after the final credits. It has everything: humor, surprises, emotion, drama, George Clooney, and Jason Bateman. No other movie this year has been as complete or as perfectly executed.

Star Trek
Director: JJ Abrams

Jakebe says: After the premature flame-out of Star Trek: Enterprise and the disappointing box office for Nemesis, folks were beginning to wonder if it was time to put the Federation on ice for a while. Then came JJ Abrams, who guided James T. Kirk and company back to cultural relevance with a cool, sweet sci-fi blockbuster. Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto make a better Kirk and Spock than Shatner and Nimoy did, and that’s saying something. Abrams continues to show a remarkable knack for spinning perfect pop-culture confections.

District 9
Director: Neil Blomkamp

Jakebe says: When I saw the roll-out for this movie’s ubiquitous advertising campaign (“This bus is for humans only!”), I knew it would be something special. Thankfully, I was right: District 9 taught Hollywood that it could make a great, gritty, instant-cult-favorite on a limited budget without any big name stars and effects that create a believable, down-to-earth world that still holds up under the weight of its heavy concept. I’m already looking forward to the return of CJ for Neil Blomkamp’s inevitable sequel.

(500) Days of Summer
Director: Marc Webb

Lovejoy says: I hesitate to call this film a romantic comedy, and I flat out refuse to use the stupid term “dramady”. I think I’ll make up a new terrible compound word, “melanchomedy”. Though there are some hilarious moments in here. Ultimately, 500 Days is a heartfelt, emotional film carried by the stars. I’ve never seen Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel so great, but I can’t wait to see more.

Zombieland
Director: Ruben Fleischer

Jakebe says: I expected good things from this, and joy of joys the movie turned out to be even better than I imagined. This along with 2012 put Woody Harrelson back on the map, and Jesse Eisenberg’s baby-faced hero establishes him as something much more than a poor man’s Michael Cera. Oh, and the little sister to Emma Stone’s bad-ass Wichita? None other than “Little Miss Sunshine” herself, Abigail Breslin. Perfectly cast and wickedly funny, this earns its place atop a genre that’s gotten incredibly crowded in recent years.

Avatar
Director: James Cameron

Jakebe says: It’s impossible to overstate Avatar‘s importance as the pop-culture fantasy event of the year. James Cameron’s return to the big screen met with the astonishing success we’ve come to expect from him, and it couldn’t have come at a better moment. In a year where Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen takes the box-office crown, we sorely needed someone to show Michael Bay how you roll with eye-popping special effects.

Inglourious Basterds
Director: Quentin Tarantino

Malin says: There are certain things we take for granted as hallmarks of a Tarantino movie: snappy, layered dialogue; brilliant, striking visuals; almost cartoonishly exaggerated violence. Inglourious Basterds does not disappoint on any of those fronts. Tarantino is also a director who knows how to get terrific performances from his actors: Brad Pitt and Christoph Waltz steal the show, but there’s not a false note in the cast. And yet, the story seems less developed than usual. Ranked against his other full-length features, Basterds would be near the bottom–which still leaves it ahead of most of the rest of Hollywood.

So there you have it. There were more films we wanted to put in here. Jakebe loves Taken more than anyone reasonably should. And none of even saw The Hurt Locker, but we hear good things. We’re sure you’ve got your favorites, so go ahead and leave us a comment ranting about how we snubbed The Proposal.

And while you’re at it, here are a few more characters severely lacking in the “horrendous mind-scarring porn” department. It’s not that there is no pron of these characters, but most of these guys would fail to sustain a thread on fChan.

Louis
We’ll start with Louis, since there’s a legitimate excuse for the lack of fat gator porn. For the unaware, Louis is a jazz playing gator from the upcoming Disney film, The Princess and the Frog. Unfortunately it seems he actually wants to be turned human, which kind of makes him a big fat antithesis for furry.

Marsupilami
Another Disney creation (though technically Belgian comic first). It’s probably because Marsupilami’s cartoon was very short lived, and has yet to be released to DVD, but there’s a surprisingly little amount of submissions for him. He has a super long prehensile tail, which makes him an instant candidate for some tail bondage.

Geronimo Stilton
What, you guys don’t read heavily illustrated children’s book series about newspaper editor rats who go on adventures? Well if you did you would have already drawn a picture of titular hero Geronimo giving to that goofy fatass cousin of his as punishment for causing another zany disaster.

Manic the Hedgehog
Honestly there doesn’t need to be any more Sonic universe porn. But freakishness that’s out there, I’m surprised more people haven’t boarded on the incestual train wreck that is Manic. You don’t remember him because Sonic Underground was barely on the air, and was the shittiest Sonic cartoon ever.

The Three Caballeros
Actually, fuck Donald Duck. But Jose Carioca and Panchito Pistoles are serverely lacking. Maybe the furry community is racist against Latinos, or speciest against birds, but they need to get over it and draw some south of the border amore. What happens in Baia stays in Baia, folks.

Chronos Lait
I know, I know, who? Look I can understand that most of you don’t remember or never played Golden Axe III on the Sega Genesis. But it is a crime to let a buff panther wearing a bondage harness get forgotten to time. Look at this motherfucker! He’s porn already!

Heffalumps and Woozles
I somewhat blame the trippy and frightening song sequence from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh for my eventual weaselness. The least you people could do is scar my earliest childhood memories with some kleptomaniacal plush toy naughtiness.

Count Veger
Towards the end of Jak 3 Count Veger gets what’s coming to him, in the form of an ottsely transformation. And while he’s been left out from subsequent titles, Veger’s still one of the best characters in the series. A former evil Count turned cute little mustelid? The comeuppance pics practically draw themselves.

For the record, I don’t actually want to see most of this stuff. But in the interest of completion it is the fandom’s responsibility, nay their duty to draw these dudes humping.