It’s hard to believe that a movie about a teenage girl trying to bone half the cast of Universal Studios’ Monsters could be pretentious, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t try! From the first lines of Bella reading Robert Frost’s “Fire and Ice” to the numerous statements on morality, Eclipse manages to be preachy about a subject that is not an issue for 100% of the universe: fucking vampires.

How many cheapass jump moments can you fit in a movie? Joe Johnston is apparently going for the world record in The Wolfman. He’s come up with a genius idea: stack them right on top of each other until the movie becomes one long string of musical stabs.

Yeah, I went to see New Moon. It’s a pretty huge film based on a wildly successful book franchise. Like her or not, Stephenie Meyer has created a series that resonates with millions of people. Also, it has fucking werewolves. Also, it’s a piece of shit.